3.10.2006

Rock Cave

N. says it would be ok if we write to you. We're having a hard time cuz we started crying again. Sometimes we think that you don't like us so much anymore and then we get sad. We don't got anything to write to write to you so good. Our friend came over last night and he said it was ok cuz we never make Thursday love and that turned out to be pretty good. But, it isn't the same. It doesn't feel as good the next morning, cuz it doesn't make up cuz your still not here. I don't know where you are. Everything just makes me cry. I hurt. I feel like I'm going to break up into little pieces. Everything hurts. I can't make my mind see clearly. Everything gets rained on with the tears. We do more rocking now. But, we can't make the bad feelings go away. It feels like we are in the middle of a desert and we can't go forward and we can't go back. I don't understand stuff so good. When I hold my head it just keeps crying. I don't know how to think so good anymore. I don't know how to make my brain stop hurting me. I can't breathe no more. Feel quick gasps for breath. Its not ever going to be better again is it? It's always going to be like this? Maybe it doesn't matter so much no more. I think maybe that I'm dying and maybe I'm just scared a little bit. Sometimes I wonder about stuff ... now it seems like we're just wondering how it would be. Maybe we're just looking for a quiet place like where billy goats eat on the other side of the mountain. I would go there all by myself. Nobody could come with me. I wouldn't be able to come back. I wouldn't want anybody to talk to me. Maybe I wouldn't remember how to talk so good anymore. I wouldn't want to use this language. It's a very bad language. I think my new job would be to sit on a rock. But, not too pointy. It would be my rock to sit on though and I'd have to sit on it if it were rainy or shiny. And, when it got dark then I wouldn't sit on the rock any more. I'd go to bed in a cave. But, it wouldn't have bears in it. Or, snakes and spiders. It be a cave just for me and it would be my home. And, nobody could come and visit. And, I would just sit by the fire and rock and rock. That's all.

6 comments:

V said...

Ayn, I`m so sorry you`re feeling this way. Did you originally intend this for Dr. M? I know how difficult it has been for you since the number of sessions have diminished.

Please remember how well you are doing: Weight; Work; Energy; Walking; School. You`ve been showing an enormous amount of courage!

Hang in there,
Hugs,
V

Ayn said...

I'm sorry V. It's ok if I feel these things. It's real. But, I figure that is the good thing about writing. At some level everything is real as it is being written and read. We touch elements of ourselves and about life that need to be felt and shared. It is a gift to others and to ourselves.

I am ok. It is just a place I've been. I am now at a place in my home, at my computer table, with a light above my screen and a smoldering smoke in my ashtray. I look down at the empty cup that should hold more coffee and I think ... I feel better.

Thanks always for your love,
Ayn

TJ said...

Like walking on the top of a fence, we all dip a leg into one side and the other and we step forward. Keep walking forward learning balance.
Hugs
TJ

Globetrotter said...

I'm not sure who wrote this but it is incredibly powerful in portent.My heart went out to this poor person rocking her? heart out in loneliness and pain and indecision.

Reminded me of Joyce Carol Oates at her best.Kudos to the writer.

I'm going back to read it again...

ckays1967 said...

Ayn...

I loved the piece and your bravery for sharing it but what I love most is your answer to Vince.

" It's ok if I feel these things. It's real. But, I figure that is the good thing about writing. At some level everything is real as it is being written and read. We touch elements of ourselves and about life that need to be felt and shared. It is a gift to others and to ourselves."


Bravo!!!!!!!

Indeed I have a cave inside myself too, we all do, I think.

How long it must have taken for you to reach that conclusion in your life. Your honesty in being all of you inspires me to be the best person I can be.

xxooxxoo

Love, Christina

Tammy said...

Ayn, I'm sorry you're so sad, but I'm still here for you! Glad you got it out, now you can feel better.

BIG TIGHT HUG!